The other morning I unexpectedly caught my bus. It had been a bad night with Isabel's ear infection flaring up and a not so good morning. I had resigned myself to catching the next bus which meant I would be late for work, which meant I'd have to work later, which meant I would get home later, which meant I'd have less time with Isabel. When I was ready to go, I looked at the clock and realised if I ran I might make it. I ran up my street praying that I could catch the bus. I turned the corner and stopped running and then had to tell myself to keep going. Once I could see the bus stop with no one there I stopped running because there is usually at least three other people that get on with me. I sauntered and was close to crossing the street when the bus came. I waved wildly and started running again and the bus driver stopped. I was thrilled. God doesn't usually answer my requests to make it on time for whatever. I pondered things on the bus and realised that there was no one at the bus stop because it was teachers convention therefore the two students wouldn't be going to school and the other guy hadn't been at the bus stop all week nor the previous week, he was probably in some warm place on a beach.
I am quite excited that it is getting lighter out again. It is amazing how much easier it is to go to work when it is light out and awesome to come home in the light. This always makes my soul sing.
I have nine nieces and nephews. The oldest of which is 25 and his two sisters are 23 and 19. It seems so weird to talk about them with other people with Isabel being just 1.
other person: Where's Isabel?
Me: My niece is looking after her.
I usually qualify my statement because it seems so odd. Maybe it's just me though.
I have come to realise that I truly unconditionally love my child. It is a completely naked heart that I have with her. This is very freeing and painful. I built a nice turret around my heart that keeps me from safe from a lot of pain, unfortunately this can be a very lonely place as well. Over the years God has been helping and encouraging me to remove the wall. With Isabel, there is no wall. I am often overwhelmed with the love I have for her.
Last week, somebody at work sent me an email that said he was "in the 12th floor". I was amused and pondered how you could get in the floor.
Last week work sent out a memo about the time change...and that's all I'm saying about that.
And last but certainly not least, I got a call from my eye specialist saying my eyes were good saying that my eyes were good. Thank God! No more intravitreal injections. Perhaps, I should do a post about that and gross you all out.
I should probably proof this but I'm not going to...so rebellious.
One year ago, I lay on my couch with my abdomen gigantic. I wondered whether I would ever feel normal again. After a night of throwing up and a quick trip to the hospital and an emergency c-section, Isabel was born at 6:30 am. Four weeks early, which put her in the premature category. After a brief photo op, they whisked her away because she had some weird rash. I was not doing very well and had a fever. The next bit of time was a bit of a blur. Isabel was off somewhere and I wouldn't get to see her until I had recovered from the surgery.
Once I could move my toes, I was taken to see my baby in the ICN but I didn't get to hold her yet. She had
an IV, :( , and was hooked up to all kinds of sensors.
It was a difficult journey to get to this point. I remember thinking when I was young that all I wanted to be was a mom. So I continued on with things until I could get to the point when I could fulfill my dream. Sometimes it takes forever to find a good mate, I didn't expect I'd be 27 when I got married. I am blessed to have John as my husband, definitely worth the wait. I figured we'd wait a year or two and then start having babies. After two years, we were told don't get pregnant yet your blood sugars aren't good enough. We spent eons (slight exaggeration) trying to perfect sugars. I gave up waiting for that to happen and we decided to try to get pregnant (while still working on diabetes control). It was then we found out that my body wasn't working right for getting pregnant for no apparent reason. A few more years passed. Now I'm getting more anxious because now I'm 35 and diabetic resulting in more high risk potential for pregnancy.
Then for some inexplicable reason, my body started working better. I had an ovarian cyst removed in December 2007. In early 2009, I was pregnant. We were very excited and scared. But it wasn't to be, 7 weeks in and I miscarried. Then it happened again, and 8 weeks in we miscarried. And then again, but this fetus wasn't viable and 8 weeks in we miscarried. That was 3 miscarriages in 12 months.
I had a kazillion tests and there didn't appear to be an explanation for the miscarriages. Apparently, nothing medically wrong. We didn't quite know what to do. Try again? Adopt? Give up? Be childless? We felt that we didn't want to be childless and started to look into adoption. It was an emotionally draining time. Many people around us were having babies. We were happy for them but it still hurt. It was especially hard to hear about pregnancies in women who didn't deserve to have babies in my judgement. That is a bit of a harsh statement but that's where I was and I realize the wrongness of the judgement.
We became excited again in early 2011 and everything seemed to be going well. An ultrasound at 9 weeks however showed that there was no heartbeat. It took about another 3 weeks to miscarry. I didn't bother going in to the hospital. This miscarriage was complete with labour pain. There is nothing worse than going through that kind of pain knowing that in the end you get nothing. The enduring of labour pain is made possible with the knowledge that in the end you get to hold your baby in your arms. Well that's a bold statement but it's true in my head. This was a devastating experience. We allowed ourselves to become hopeful when things seemed to be going well. Then all hope was dashed against the rocks.
To my great consternation, we were pregnant again in May. I was so angry. I didn't want to go through the pain again. And yet a little seed of hope was trying to grow. I decided that I wasn't going to do any of the things I was supposed to like take vitamins, give up my tea, take progesterone. At 8 weeks, I had an ultrasound. It was astoundingly positive. The seed of hope sprouted. A few days later, I started spotting. Really, really, not again! Nine weeks another ultrasound, again it was good. The spotting stopped. And hope grew and so did I. (I also started taking vitamins but I never gave up my tea)
At 19 weeks or so, we felt confident enough to tell people. By 7 months, I felt huge. At 8 months, I thought how is it possible that I get any bigger. It was a bit of a relief that Isabel came early. She had to stay in the hospital for 11 days until she learned how to eat. Her weight dropped from 6 lbs to 5 lbs 6 oz in the first week but she grew steadily after that.
Now my little girl is 1 (tomorrow). Happy Birthday, Isabel! We are so blessed to have you.